It’s been a very long time already since my last entry. I admit i’m not good at this but this time maybe i’ll work on it cause right now I can’t tell it to someone who is close to me. Why? Cause they don’t know how on earth I have this kind of heart.
I can’t even remember the last time I fell in love. No one as in no one on my close friends know about it. Or maybe let’s say I just thought it was love. But I never felt it like others said it feels so good.
I close my heart for the longest time ever since my college. I know my priorities before but know I felt like getting old and this time on my age is the time to know who will be with me till the end.
Then random day happen found different people maybe around the world. I just found out maybe I don’t need to put my heart again this time. Maybe let myself fool around and find happiness. So That’s what I do. Two guys not on the same place but same vision like I am are the ones I have closed with lately.
The First guy, he’s not from here but an asian too. First few weeks he’s nothing for me. Never thought that talking to him will cause a deeper feeling that is progressing. He is very open with me. How I say it? Even he’s heartbreak from an ex is a story to tell for him. He knows when I’m feeling terrible.. He knows i’m also having my PMS moments (Funny but weird for a guy). And lastly he knows what we are that i’m neglecting before. But now I don’t know lately we are not in the same page. We don’t have a deeper relationship but we act like we are in this. I felt pain when I saw he’s picture with her and even asked him if maybe they are which is he said with a big NO that they are apart. I don’t wanna fuck up any relationship but he says I Need to trust him. Later on he deleted her on his fb. Somehow it felt so good knowing that he deleted her but I envy her. At least she was loved by this guy. So even I don’t have the right I wish I don’t feel it.. I wish I am numb. This coming October he’s gonna visit me and I wish we settle everything just fine and if this gonna hurt someday. I wish I don’t need to put my heart on the situation again.
The Second guy he’s a witty, funny, not that intelligent person yet very accommodating type of guy he’s all for fun. I’ve known him since August 2012 and up to now we are still facebook friends. He’s not that active but everytime he’s available I find it a little more romantic which is what he do as always. Then just right now a morning wake up call tells me he’s with someone not thinking of telling me. I know Long Distance situation won’t work I always tell him this but Why on earth he did that? I felt betrayed but I don’t want to be a assuming gf or what cause we are in the what so called “Fuck up relationship” or maybe “Just for fun not string attached thing”. I don’t wanna feel it in that way but right now that’s what i’m feeling.
I wanna shout I wanna cry but I can’t They will asked me what happen and why I’m crying. What should I say on that? That I have a boyfriend on my mind that cheated on me or That I have a relationship that not even exist on the relationship dictionary.. Everyone around me doesn’t know about it. They will judge me I know. They’ll even asked me more about the situation that I have. And right now friends I wish I could tell this to you but this entry is just the lightest explanation of what is really happening. There’s more story or there’s a very deep situation that is happening during this situation. Maybe one day
Right now I am really hurting I don’t know how to overcome this feeling But I wish this feeling will fade. Specially for the second guy.. For you, You know how I feel And I know what you feel to just be true to yourself but please hurting someone’s feelings behind her back is not a good thing to do. I still wish you your happiness which is your experiencing right now. It will take time for me while i’m also confused by the other one. But You know I’m a fighter someday i’ll be over you.
To my friends yeah I’m weird or something cause why on earth I enter this kind of relationship? I never felt like this before maybe learning from this mistake will help me to find the right HIM for me. Sorry but I can’t even say this rant in front of you I just wish someone also comforts me even I don’t say any words from you.
I know this entry is not readable type but this site will help me say what my hearts want to say as of this time. Somehow maybe 5% of the hurt right now was eased up and I wish it will eased up more the following days. So for all the people who are in this kind of heart pain What did you do? how u overcome it? Hope to hear it to others..This time I need someone